So I just recently watched Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As a fan of the old cartoon it was an important step into adulthood; to have my childhood raped by Michael Bay. So let us take this step together and review this. All images are belong to Michael Bay (producer) and Paramount Pictures (distributors), and a bunch of other people who claim the copyrights to these poor turtles. Used for educational purposes on how to profitably destroy, I mean ruin, I mean honor a franchise :D

Mr. Towelhead reviews:

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Based on the once popular cartoon and comic book the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles receive its “mandatory” and “absolutely” necessary Hollywood-update. Read more to have your childhood raped.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is an action, adventure, science fiction, over-priced-3D-movie-ticket flick by your Highness Michael Bay released in 2014, directed by Jonathan Liebesman (not really, it was Michael Bay), written by three dudes (not really, it’s Michael Bay at his finest) and starring botox-face Megan Fox.

Concept

You have four mutated turtles that are somewhat anthropomorphic and in their teens. They each have unique (artificial) personalities and fighting styles to make them appealing. We have a nerd, a rebel, a goof and a leader. And an annoying parent. GENIUS!

Story

So the story in this film is a Michael Bay-ization, instead of the story we all knew and loved (for those of us who do), and instead of a story that makes some sort of sense… We have some Michael-approved bullshit with all the Hollywood cliches that you’ve come to f*ing hate: 1. CGI.

Why even bother on acting…

tmnt_hot NOT

… when everything on screen is fake.

2. Megan Fox (not the hot one mind you, but the botox overdosed decrepit empty shell of a Megan Fox). 3. Your father created the turtles. 4. “I killed your father!” 5. The bad guys are oriental, the good guys are AMERICAN (even the ones who used to be oriental are now AMERICAN!), 6. The plot is to create a disease to sell a cure. 7. If only the turtles would be a little more anthropomorphic they would bang the chick in the end… I mean, they would get the chick in the end.

Action

As usual with Michael Bay, you come for the action. So… is it good? Well kind of, for the most is ok-ish but only barebones, green-screen ok. And of course, you have all the action clichés you’ve come to expect and hate: Shaky cam, flickering lights, quick cuts, “cool” stuns that would normally kill a man but somehow just knock-out the victims. Bla, bla, bla, bla.

And I though being a ninja was about stealth, silence and discipline.

tmnt_stealth

Why be subtle right? Its not like they are NINJAS!?

As the movie nears the end, so did the budget (apparently), because from some decent action sequences in the beginning and middle of the thing, the movie features less and less action and people. Until it becomes a crap fest battle of CGI versus CGI. Because DAH! who wants to see real people performing real stuns for our entertainment. I mean its not like we have video games if we want to see animated things fight each other. Gosh!

Stupid Stuff

Well there’s plenty. For one the protagonist saves the turtles, and the turtles are grateful for that. But how does she save them you ask? Well by flushing them down the sewers. I mean, its not like she could, you know, just take them home…

Megan saves the turtles from a burning building.

tmnt_thank you biatch

In order to flush them down the sewer. Bravo…

The bad guys want to create a disease to sell a cure and become rich… Because dah, that’s what ëvol people do. However the bad guys already have technology to build mechanised-suits with knives that are shot like bullets, have turbines to fly in any direction and return to their bolsters (on their own for all you can judge). With that technology at hand they could rule the world with or without any mizzley cure. But you know… “I killed your father!”

Oh yes, and before the movie ends, the good guys visit the side kick, who by the way saved their lives, just to destroy his car…. you know, as an act of kindness for his trouble. Michael Bay is comedic gold.

Verdict

Its not the worst movie of all times, and its not the worst TMNT iteration. The teenage mutant ninja turtles themselves are amazingly designed, animated and voice acted. There is, of course, no character development at all (but who needs that right?) yet within the boundaries of stupid entertainment they do an o.k. job.

Oh look a transformer. In a Michael Bay movie…

tmnt_shredder

… because why be original, right?

Mr. Towelhead is… you know what, f* this I have better things to do.

5 / 10

If you like action movies you may enjoy this one a bit. If you are a TMNT fan, or a male human between the ages of 13 and 14 you may enjoy parts of the movie. Other than that, its kind of boring and stupid.

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