Darren Aronofsky fits right into my quota of movie-makers. Weird movie-makers :D So now he gets together with ultimate badass Russell Crowe to make a bible epos of EPIC proportions. What could possibly go wrong?! All images are belong to Darren Aronofsky (director) and Paramount Pictures (distributor). Used fairly to educate you on the true story of Noah (never mind the Bible, you know)…

Mr. Towelhead reviews:



Its like Gladiator in space! I mean in bible times! Strap in for the ride of your lives!

So Noah is an action, adventure, weird-art “epic” movie placed in biblical times. It was written by Darren and a dude named Ari Handel and its based on the book you may have heard of, the Bible written by, you know God. Despite my feelings and beliefs on the topic lets review this thingy as objectively as I possibly can :D


So, is the movie blasphemous? Well… One thing you must understand. Movie’s have to take liberties from the source material simply because a movie isn’t a book. You have 90 minutes or so to tell stories that could fit in a thousand pages. And Noah the film strays very far away from Noah the book. Mostly to make it an action film, so, is it at least a good action film?

Well if all else fails…


… at least Jennifer Connelly is hot.


The basic idea is to re-imagine the story of Noah. But instead of making him a hard-working carpenter and preacher of God’s word, they thought it would be awesome to make him a MANLY gathered of stones and a drunkard with slightly psychotic tendencies :D Good stuff. And granted that could, at the very least, make up for a badass action film.

Story 0.1

Its quite simple. The story of the Deluge, with a few liberties.


This is where the movie shines and falls apart. The cinematography is overall impressive. The forests, the mountains, the time-lapse  shots of the camera “flying” over different landscapes are very well done and nicely orchestrated (the music is also quite nice). But that’s pretty much it. The wardrobe, the houses, the weapons, the water everything else looks blend and uninspiring. The animals are all CG (computer generated images) and they look like SHIT.

What the hell is THAT!?


What, did you run out of serpents?

We also get to see the Fallen Angels. They are these awkwardly animated rocks (that also look like shit) and they are the good guys in this movie. Which quite as far away from the source material as it gets, but ok, lets roll with it. Oddly enough the acting range of these rock creatures is far better than all the live-human-actors combined. Seriously, Jennifer Connelly is the only one who kinda’ gave a damn about acting. The rest of the crew is bored out of their minds, its like they can’t wait to get the hell out of the set so they can go cash-in their checks.

Story 0.2

What’s even worse, the story-arc of the Fallen Angels is FAR MORE INTERESTING than everything else in the movie! In the movie’s lore: The Fallen tried to help, were punished for defiance, strode aimlessly, found a purpose, fulfilled their task and attained redemption. Artistically speaking its a nicely wrapped story-arc that is interesting, has some badass action scenes and a nice conclusion; unlike the rest of the movie.

Confusing Stuff :D

Lets dive deeper into why this movie is a piece of shit :D Shall we? Noah, the protagonist, you know, the guy we are supposed to root for: Is portrayed as an action hero, which is fine for me. But he’s also portrayed as kind of a confused sadist. For one he says to be sad and what not but he also seems too happy and eager while murdering countless innocent people.

Oh boy and I thought Noah was nice guy…


Lets have him fight his way through the panicking masses, that’ll be fun :D

The movie tries to convey a sense of urgency by making us believe that Noah is going to kill two new-born babies… Wait, what! But after seeing him happily slice, slash and punch countless innocents into their certain death, I couldn’t care less. And for the last hour of the movie Noah is portrayed as an abusive husband and father. Yey, such a lovely protagonist :D Right? RIGTH?!

The movie also presents a bunch of really confusing stuff. Like the serpent/Satan portrayed as a kind of a good, something thing, that is kind of necessary to achieve God’s blessing? Makes total sense! Or humans being able to use magic, and not just like fire, oh no. Magic in like creating a freaking giant tsunami of fire.

What the f’ dude!


Humans can do that? Why can’t we do that now?


The acting is abysmal. The story is boring as hell. The CG is horrendous. The movie strays far away from the source material. The only redeeming quality is a story-arc that lasts for like 10 minutes and is over before the movie is even half finished.

Mr. Towelhead is definitely not happy:

2 / 10

It is blasphemously boring, and if the holiness of the Bible means something to you, than it is literally blasphemous as well. No matter how you cut it Noah is a giant steaming pile of Scheisse.

And actually… there is SO much more to talk about in detail: Like Emma Watson being unable to act for shiiii… or the bad guy (Ray Winstone) being way more likeable than Noah, or Emma getting horny because an old man touched her, or Noah doing an LSD trip, etc. Lets just say its bad, forget about it and never talk about it again.

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