Now that a neutered Robocop is about to grace the theatres, lets analyse another castrated 80’s master piece.

I usually don’t review popular topics, but when I do. I make ’em f*ed up PG13 versions of their former selves. Jokes aside, all images belong to Len Wiseman (director) and Columbia Pictures (distributor). We check ’em out for educational purposes on how NOT to make a… remake.

Mr. Towelhead delights in ripping a new one to:



So this piece of crap is a 2012 remake of the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger-flick of the same name. Its a science fiction, action film in a dystopian future setting. It was directed by Len Wiseman, written by Ronald Shushett and a bunch of other losers, based on the novel “We can remember it for you wholesale” by a dude called Philip K. Dick. Now, now, Total Recall (2012) is not total failure, it had some commercial success, however…

Instead of reviewing Total Recall as a remake, and thus being tempted to compare it with the Award winning, mind you, 1990 version. Lets just focus on this dull, lame, boring piece of cinema for its own merits. Shall we.


The basic idea is the question of what makes up reality. Your memories? Fake memories (imagination)? Or the question of following a calling in your heart, as in being destined to something better, even despite our own vivid memories or thoughts. While this may have played a major role in the book (haven’t read it), its basically an excuse for the plot in the movie. Other than the beginning and some EXTREMELY OBVIOUS “thrills” the dilemma of dream vs reality is poorly handled at best.

Was he connected or was he!? I can’t take it!


Its just SO BORING! – biting fingernails, biting fingernails, …

How poorly handled? Well (no spoiler, the scene is in the trailer) maybe it was the cut, or simply put the director is special but, before the protagonist is even hooked up to memory plot-device-machine the action and misunderstandings begin. So really, all the thrills as to wether its a dream or not become invalid [at best]. Seeing the protagonist struggle to tell reality from dream, while well aware that he was never plugged… becomes predictable and boring. It makes you think the protagonist isn’t that bright after all.


In Total Recall the protagonist is tired of his boring life and is considering Recall services. A company that “apparently” is able to implant all sorts of memories in you. The protagonist finally goes to get a life of adventure but before he can be recalled, so to speak, all hell breaks loose as he’s mistaken for a secret agent. Or is he? :I

If all else fails…


… there’s BOOBS!

Wether he is an agent or not, or wether its all a dream or not, really it all plays a minor role in the whole Total Recall experience. For the most, its an action-packed-“thriller” (with big time quotations marks) with some futuristic gadgets and circumstantial hazards, as in boring-green-screen-circumstancial hazards.


Some parts of the movie are o.k. they look the part and do their job. Sadly, as the movie progresses, the quality of the images and concepts goes down the drain. For example yo’, at the beginning they use this communicators that are inside the palm of the hand and make up for some cool conceptual moments, but at some point they just stop using them.

What horrible atrocities reflect the dystopian future?


… robots … Yawn!

Also, conceptually speaking a dystopian future setting and our contemporary CGI technology should combine for some badass action scenes. I mean the Matrix was released in 1999 after all! So, what do we get in 2012? Robots, bad CGI and a skinny old villain the movie wants you to believe can keep up with a young, muscular secret agent.

What do we get in 2012? …


Discount Bullseye vs Malcom in the Middle’s Dad. :I

Elevator Joke

Bad jokes aside, one of the things that infuriated me the most, apart from everything, was the whole elevator thing. If you haven’t heard already the film features a lift that goes through the center of the Earth. Which is ridiculous in all sorts of ways but lets turn our brains off accept it as a “Through the Power of Hollywood-FACT“. However the elevator was such a prominent plot device you can’t stop thinking about it.

The thing would be a business disaster any way. It was a one way, one train only highway instead of a busy, ever circulating circuit, as it should be. Secondly and most importantly:


If the elevator has only ONE exit on the ENTIRE planet. When the bad guys go from A to B, to kill everyone in location B mind you… Why did no one come up with the idea to blow up station B. I mean, seriously! You want me to think every one in location B is stupid AND brain dead?


The lovely thing about this elevator thing is that, the more you think about it, the sillier mistakes you find. Come to think of it, the movie wants you to believe that one, only one train full of bad guys can take on (and kill) around 23 million people… I mean, sure why not!?

The villains are so EVIL in this movie…


They walk in high heels! Dude thats HARDCORE.


If you have seen the original skip this movie at all cost, it will only taint the precious memory of a movie well done. If you haven’t seen the original you may pass this as a Sci-Fi Channel special. Its something you can put on TV with your choice of music for a high school party.

Mr. Towelhead is extremely disappointed but objectively it deserves a:

6 / 10

meh… [at best]

The biggest mistake is that the movie director, Len Wiseman, played it too save. Its an extremely cliché PG13 movie with a low budget (for the looks of it) that is sadly based on an R-rated Master piece from a good director (Paul Verhoeven).


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