Lets get it on with another popular movie. Prometheus promised to be the holly grail of horror instead it mutated into a stupidity-fest. But what is it now? A master piece simply misunderstood or is it really a pile of garbage… All the images are belong Ridley Scott (director) and 20th Century Fox (distributor).
Mr. Towelhead delights in ripping appart:
So the thingy is a British-American sci-fi, horror film that trailer-showcased itself dangerously close to being an alien prequel. Its directed by Ridley Scott, written by Jon Spaihts and Mista’ Damon Lindelof. And it was released in 2012 by 20th Century Fox. Whether the thingy is an alien prequel or not, we’ll review it for its entertainment value to you dear weird-movie-goer.
As a movie (prequel or not) Prometheus is a horror flick through and through. It is set in the near-future so we have an excuse for calling it science-fiction. And basically … well,
… What really killed the Prometheus experience is that it tried to convey a serious tone while being scientifically accurate, which is fine and all, but the movie gets quite obnoxious as characters, gadgets, technology and concepts in the movie all try to be too cool and too smart for comfort. All movies have mistake but being so obnoxious makes it way too easy to hate and critique Prometheus.
As a horror flick only, Prometheus delivers what it promises, mindless blood and gore.
You wanted space gore? …
… You got it!
Basically you have a bunch idiots, the smartest minds on Earth so the movie, who go to an “uncharted” planet based on a hunch to discover alien life. Things go smoothly until the movie remembers its a horror flick, then things get nasty and people start dying like flies.
The story tries to get complicated (and fails), as things start to happen with little to no explanation. Like, dudes becoming zombies while others impregnate barren women with alien babies. Have fun with that :S
Basically. They came to find alien life, discover alien life, alien life tries to kill them, succeeds in killing them and the last human survivors kill whats left.
After everyone dies, in the stupidest way ever, the movie tries to become an alien prequel by throwing things at the screen that are reminiscent of the alien franchise. You know, like giant vagina-aliens (instead of the family-friendly facehuggers).
The scenarios and images are…
… Amazingly well done.
The cinematography, CGI (computa’ generated images), scenarios, equipment, technology, monsters … everything in the movie looks BEAUTIFUL. The blood and gore elements of the movie look amazing and fairly realistic, gross and vomit inducing (what I mean is that they are incredibly well done). The CGI monsters also look fairly realistic and are well done but here’s another thingy that’ll bother you. No matter how cool, realistic or what ever, a couple of CGI things fighting each other is NOTHING we can relate to. Its amusing at best.
Oh look starfish-vagina brawls with blue-bubble-man
There is no other way to call this department, I am sorry. If you take Prometheus as a VERY simple-minded slasher-flick, you know like Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elms Street with a huge budget, the movie is fairly decent. Beautiful, gory and mindless. If you try to take Prometheus as seriously as the movie tries to be. Well then, the movie has some … flaws, so to speak. And we are not talking about discount Tom Hardy instead of Tom Hardy kind of BS, no no sir, we are talking about REALLY simple BS.
Discount Tom Hardy…
Sorry I mean, Logan Marshall-Green
As usual, I don’t like to talk spoiler, but you need to get an idea how dumb this movie is, in two easy spoiler-free-ish steps. And remember, being so OBNOXIOUS this movie is begging to be ripped apart.
1. MONEY. The rich dude who sponsors the Prometheus space-exploration-mission wasted billions if not trillions of dollars in a ultramodern spaceship, cryo-sleep machines, survival- and life-enhancement suits, hovering 3D archiquetural-mapping orbs, unmanned surgery pods, artificial intelligence and f*ing dream monitoring technology… but spent not a SINGLE dime in weapons and military equipment? I mean, Seriously? Check this out, when things get naughty all they have to defend themselves are a couple of toy-shotguns that blow dust!
And other travesties, you ask…
Why yes! Space Abortion :D
2. FRANKENSTEIN. So the scientists, … hold on … the pseudo-scientists find a severed alien head. What to do? They take it back into the spaceship (no concern for contamination there), they decide to expose it to the air everyone is breathing (sure why not its not like viruses and bacteria can fly, right?), they realize life-tissue has survived (which should have freaked them out and prompt them to quarantine the room), and finally they decide to re-animate the head with electricity (because if it worked with the Frankenstein monster, why not on a severed alien head, right?). The head finally explodes for our gory delight (which is the only redeeming value about this stupid scene). In other words the Prometheus scientists aren’t scientists; they are little kids, playing in the sand and pretending to be doctors!
If you go into the Prometheus experience expecting a smart movie you’ll be disappointed. Oddly enough the movie desperately tries to be smart with their obnoxious dialogues and pseudo-scientific evidence. If you go into the Prometheus experience expecting a high-budget mindless-slayer film you will be satisfied to the fullest. So there.
Mr. Towelhead is amused:
If your expectations are low on brains and high on gore, go see it now!
8 / 10
If you hoped for a coherent alien-related horror film, oh well …
5 / 10
At the end of the day wether it is an Alien prequel or not, Prometheus should be seen for its entertainment value. There is a total mismatch of tone and performance: Being serious while presenting some of the dumbest deaths in cinematic history. If only the movie were funny it would have earned a place in my heart but as it is, its annoying.
What’s that … oh yes, somewhere, something Aliens