Long before Quentin Tarantino decided what next Japanese flick to steal ideas from, he starred in a weird Japanese western movie called Django (sound familiar?). So hold on. Weird, Japanese, western AND Quentin Tarantino?! This most be the BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIMES. Right?

All images are belong to Takashi Miike (director) and Sony Pictures Entertainment (distributor). Used fairly to shed light into a fairly unkown Japanese-flick that is a contender for worst movie of all times. Erhmm… I mean BEST movie of all times.

Mr. Towelhead reviews:

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Sukiyaki Uesutan Jango

Or, if you prefer, Sukiyaki Western Django. So the thingy is a Japanese Western directed by Takashi Miike (the dude who made one of the goriest movie eva’ Ichi the Killer), written by himself and Masaru Nakamura. It stars chubby Quentin Tarantino in a side role; and the movie was released in 2007. You may think that Miike + Tarantino = Gore & Awesome… However.

Concept

Apparently the movie is based on a ton of different things. A historical conflict between samurai clans and references to other “famous” Japanese movies, as well as other historical events. So unless you are familiar with the Genpei Wars and the War of the Roses, Sukiyaki Western Django will probably just be worth its entertainment value.

What could possibly be more badass than a bad guy… with a piercing…

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Yûsuke Iseya as leader of the whites

Concept-wise the movie is a Western-flick with Japanese actors. It tries to be funny, in like, it tries REALLY hard to be funny. But the action and the actors are so bad, the movie is painfully awkward and uncomfortable to watch.

Story

Basically you have a lone gunman come into town and discover that town is the war zone between two opposing clans, both of them bad. The whites and the reds. You know, as in the Americans vs the Native Americans (just kidding). The hero gets himself into trouble and is saved by some dudes who have something to do with the plot. The hero barely does something as we are told about a Romeo and Juliet story between the whites and the reds.

A series of tragedies occur and the whites and the reds go on killing each other. Some dudes who supposedly have something to do with the story come in, kill a bunch of bad guys and die. Finally the hero decides to actually do something and kills what few of the bad guys are left.

Somehow there’s a gattling gun… so… funny… must… laugh

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Köichi Satö leader of the reds

Does this sound disappointing… Well, IT IS. And it wouldn’t be if at least people would kill and/or die for a clear purpose, or if at least people would die in funny ways, or if at least you would get some sense of justice satisfied. But no.

Images

Miike and Tarantino working together. Sounds like Christmas. Right? I mean, the least we could expect is BLOOD, GORE and amazing DIALOGUES. Oh you wish. The images are dull at best, and the movie presents us with only a few… naughty scenes, and by naughty I mean:

The bad-actor-hero trying to act aroused while a beaten up women provides oral pleasure. On all accounts the scene is so BAD you feel sorry for the poor actress, it feels like watching police confiscated tapes of rape victims or something.

Or, one of the bad-actor-henchmen trying to act the part while being slashed in the head with a katana. No blood, no gore, no emotions, no fun just a seemingly underpaid construction worker told to dress in white and clap (literally).

oh no, look ma’ katana in my head…

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YAWN!

So yes. You will be disappoint.

Dialogues

Well, you have hungry-Japanese-slave-actors trying to speak awkward English while being wiped by director Takashi Miike. Have fun with that. What I mean is that the dialogue department is garbage.

Verdict

You get the feeling that the movie is trying really hard to be cool while the director and producers put absolutely no effort to it. A few actors give their all, but most of them are bored (or even boring), uninspired and plainly said, just bad actors. A few “jokes” will tickle your sense of humor, but mostly because the rest of the movie is so blend you’ll laugh at anything at that point.

Finally, what killed the Sukiyaki Western Django experience for me is that a few characters are presented to you as ultimate badasses, just for them to barely make an appearance  in the movie and be immediately killed off. Ha… ha.

Kaori Momoi in the role of Bloody Benton!

I hope she does a lot of awesome and doesn’t like die pathetically…

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Oh snap

What was o.k.-ish in the movie were the leaders of the opposing bad-guy-clans (Köichi Satö and Yûsuke Iseya). They were the only ones that really tried to give the whole a sense of … something. Be it urgency, tension, emotions, anything at all. The saddest part is that even these guys did a terrible job so you can imagine the rest.

Mr. Towelhead is disappoint

2 / 10

You’re trying too hard kid

Sukiyaki Western Django is a poorly made film by a couple of obnoxious directors who thought they could make a cool movie with as little effort as possible. Just sit on the toilet (that is the Tarantino-fan-base) shit and go the bank to cash in. Quentin Tarantino may be crazy and what not but he IS a good movie director, when he wants to, I am sure the same can be said of director Takashi Miike. Unfortunately this movie is the result of a lousy movie-production-effort. And if its not the case, it certainly looks like a lousy movie-production-effort.

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