So we take another youtube approved recommendation. Dungeons and Dragons 3 or The Book of Vile Darkness is a straight to DVD fantasy film with boobs and blood. What could possibly go wrong? A part from crappy CGI. Well dear weird-movie-goers, all images we use belong to Zinc Entertainment Inc. (distributors) and I guess Hasbro Inc. as well (owners of the Dungeons and Dragons franchise). We check ’em out to educate ourselves on this naughty film that dances in between trash and brilliant.
Mr. Towelhead reviews
Dungeons and Dragons: The Book of Vile Darkness
So the thingy is a 2012 fantasy, action, adventure film. Straight to DVD and free to watch in youtube (as far as I could tell, officially free to watch)… thus you can guess it doesn’t have the biggest production budget eva’ but that doesn’t mean its bad. It was directed by Gerry Lively, the dude who also directed the second Dungeons and Dragons film. Written by Brian Rudnick and released by Zinc Entertainment Inc.
It is based on the geek-approved-popular board game Dungeons and Dragons by Hasbro Inc., if you care to know. But unless you’re a fan of the game, the movie will come to you as just another fantasy film.
The super original cast of Dungeons and Dragons 3
The black-warlock, the black-assassin, the black-barbarian, the black-push over excuse of a hero and the hot black-wizard chick, looking all hot with her piercings and sexy with her skinny waist and yummy leather covered round tight buttocks, small firm boobs and … oh dear … Excuse me dear weird-movie-goers, be right back…
The story tries to be complicated by throwing a “long” and “complicated” narrative in the beginning. But really, all you need to know is that barbarians kidnap the hero-dude’s father, and hero-dude (who is supposed to be good) has to join a band of evil-doers to find and rescue his father. Fair enough. All the “complicated” nonsense around the quest are merely annoying and sometimes funny.
Basically its a hero’s journey to save his dad. The only twist is that the “nice guy”, “pure” hero has to do some naughty stuff to gain the trust of the bad guys, so the bad guys will eventually tell the hero-dude where his father is.
Oddly enough, despite the hero-dude being brought up with paragon principles he easily joins the dark side, murders in cold blood (twice that is), refuses to grant mercy and basically dooms an entire village to a horrible and painful death :D Good stuff.
But the film doesn’t really dive into the problematic of being an undercover-fantasy-cop, rather its just a plot device to show bad CG, bad choreography fight scenes and … I don’t know, a straight to DVD fantasy movie.
I mean look at this puppy, you couldn’t possibly take him seriously…
… with his nice manners and clean appearance, his clean brushed hairs coming down his forehead and those freaking forced Angelina Jolie lips! [shiver, shiver]
This is where things get disparate. The movie has an excessive amount of CGI (computer generated images) some are barely decent, most of them are bluntly said HORRIBLE (but not as in cool horror, rather garbage-low-effort CG) and just a select few are freaking AWESOME. The bad CG is accentuated, so to speak, because bad visual effects are often used for no reason. Like the hot-evil-girl slapping the hero-dude with magic when he was literally one step away of her.
The fight scenes are terrible! (See trailer if you don’t believe me). Choreographed as hell (bad choreographed that is), unsynchronized, slow and predictable. The movie tries to be serious so you don’t feel like laughing when the pack of bad actors pretend to hit people.
Most CGI is bad but the zombie cheerleader is freaking awesome
O H M Y GOODNESS!
The movie includes a bunch of boobies (unfortunately all of them are cramped into one scene instead of them being nicely distributed over the entire film). And it does include a bunch of really bad CG blood and gore, and some really naughty, almost realistic blood and gore :S Last but not least the movie includes some of the crappiest CG monsters you’ve seen AND the most disturbing, well done CG monster-zombie-child you’ve ever seen. Really she looks and behaves amazingly!
Well, its a straight to DVD movie with bad actors so you really can’t expect anything decent from the dialogue department. However the final boss of the game, erhmmm… I mean the final-bad-dude of the movie has his lips, literally, stapled together (with modern day staples mind you) for no reason, and he speaks via two women, who speak almost at the same time making everything he says impossible to follow. Not that it matters in such an uninspiring movie, but he mumbles a lot of things that seem to be plot related:
– The bad guy
Like the other movies of the trilogy the film gains some virtue due to the different classes, I mean characters that inhabit this adventure. Unfortunately in this film all actors are terrible and portray cliches we’ve seen and heard a thousand times (and a thousand times better). The only thing worth your money is actor Barry Aird in the role of the evil-black-wizard-dude. Not only does he enjoy the role he acts the part, is consistently evil and says some fairly badass things that actually make sense for the plot of the movie.
Barry Aird in the role of the evil-black-wizard-dude is the only thing worthwhile …
… Artistic and entertainment-wise HE stole the show.
This movie’s worst enemy is the trailer. The film is a fun mix of bad and badass but the trailer makes you think the movie is trash trying to be taken seriously. Which it kind of is.
I have mixed feelings. The Book of Vile Darkness is clearly targeting young-adult-males (fantasy, boobs, gore) but the CG and fight scenes are so awkward and bad you feel sorry for the actors. On the other hand the film may be for fans of the series but has no redeeming value, nor does it have any redeeming value for fantasy fans. Why’s that? When I’m a fan of something I want to see high-production values. Either the visuals are amazing (Transformers, Avatar) or the story is amazing (Psycho, Grown Ups 2, just kidding) but when both visuals AND story are crap (Space Balls), oh well, at least it should be funny. Dungeons and Dragons is nothing.
Mr. Towelhead has seen worst fantasy movies but
4 / 10
IT HAS ITS MOMENTS…
Unfortunately The Book of Vile Darkness has only a few really cool scenes and moments drowned beneath a sea of cliches, bad CGI and bad acting. And its certainly not so bad that you could say its so bad its almost good. AND you never get to see Eleanor Gecks boobs (hot-evil-girl), so there.
I would have granted this travesty a 7 if only…