If you had the misfortune of reading my original RANT about this movie. Well, I am sorry for that. In my defense, yes, this movie may have adverse effects on your mental health. So now, I decided to re-write the review without the racial slurs. The rest of the naughty rants will remain as it was :D

Nicolas Cage has been replaced by a crazed talentless alien years ago, we know, but I thought Drive Angry was his return to sanity, so I watched it. And Oh my Goodness! I am pissed off as hell right now, I am so angry I could go driving to McDonalds or something even though I am emotionally unstable, but I don’t care, ’cause I’m hardcore like that. … So, all images are belong to Patrick Lucifer, erhmm… I mean Patrick Lussier (director) and Satan, erhmmm… I mean Summit Entertainment (distributor). So turn off your brains and get ready for the coolest, fastest shit-iest 3D-extravaganza of the year!

And in view of the topic review I’ll go ANGRY rant to make every cheetos covered, beer slurping youtube reviewer proud. SO I SUGGEST If yOU DISLIKE bad words AND BAD MOVIES, avoid this post and the f*ing movie altogether.

Mr. Towelhead RANTS about:

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DRIVE ANGRY in 3-F*ING-D

So dear weird-movie-goers I gotta be honest with you. I wasn’t paying the adequate attention this abortion of film material deserves. While drunk, high and watching por… erhmmm… I mean reading the news, I believe to have given Drive Angry much more attention than it deserved.

The thingy came out in 2011 produced by Millennium Films, Nu Image, Satan Films, ups, I mean Saturn Films (studios) and released by Summit Entertainment (distributor). It was directed by Satan himself and written by Todd Farmer. And for tha’ record, I hold no grudge against Mr. Farmer (writer) as he did what he usually does, slasher film scripts. I blame the lifeless, decaying corpse on screen (Nicolas Cage) and Patrick Lussier (director) for everything that went wrong with this Oscar worthy abomination.

This kebab on menstrual-cycle -auce of a film is a supernatural, gorefest, action softporn flick that also has something to do with “cool” cars, which explains the idiotic car chases that make absolutely no f*ing sense.

STORY

Because I was on my period I didn’t see the beginning, so I don’t know if they explained why Johnny Cage here (Nicalas Cage) is who he is (or what the f* he is supposed to be in the first place), but, throughout the whole experience you get the feeling they wanted to keep his “secret” a secret, yet at the same time they unmistakably revealed that *spoiler warning* Bald mid-life-crisis’ed Wolverine (a.k.a. Nicolas Cage) is immortal… and brain dead.

Oh wait but maybe Billy Burke may save the movie…

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… well no. He’s so desperate trying to act the bad villain-role that he comes across like a Pussy.

Idiocy spreads out of the director’s mind, into the movie production like cancer. Despite Snake-Eyes McMuffin (Nicolas Cage)’s supernatural abilities the “plot” tries to tickle a sense of danger and urgency with: “epic” music score, dramatic-camera-angles, Nicolas Cage trying to act dead but failing to hold his breath for even two seconds and bad-actor-extras vomiting dialogues like: “Oh no! I thought you were dead!”, or “Oh no! I saw you die?”. So, why even bother hiding his “secret”?

IMAGES

You can’t possibly take anything serious in a movie that features people skateboarding cars or henchmen being face-impalled by knifes pushed into their skulls by the impact of a bullet. You get the uncomfortable feeling that the movie is trying too hard to be funny but it comes out embarrassingly unpleasant.

Poor William Fichtner, I mean the dude had his good share of making this movie horrid…

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… But just like everyone else in this project, they are all victims of a BAD director, namely…

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Yes Patrick Lussier, you should be ashamed!

FLOW

Pearl-White Nick Fury here (Nicolas Cage) indiscriminately murders everything living in a 10 meter radius around him while driving or f*ing… but is unable to whack the bad the guy. And bare in mind, dear readers we are talking about the dude he’s been chasing all along, the bad mother f*er who “just” happened to murder his daughter and made him the bad actor he is. I mean, Ghost Rida’ with a Nicolas Cage mask has the antagonist face to face, while holding a gun, being immortal, BUT oh no, he just doesn’t shoot him!? WHY!! Well, I guess Nicky Minaj (I mean Nicolas Cage) was omniscient and realized the scripted demanded another 30 minutes of overpriced 3D-cinema-ticket-price-b.s.

Buck Angel here (Nicolas Cage) doesn’t kill the baddy at the middle of the movie…

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… so we can be tortured for like 30 more minutes of movie catastrophe time.

Hillarity ensues when Robocage (Nicolas Cage) goes back inside a “cool” car to chase the bad guy and the production designer is told to go crazy with Adobe After Effects and CGI-ed car parts fly towards camera to, once again, “compensate” for ridiculous movies-in-3D ticket prices. Meow.

What else, well, as you know I was mid flaps, … I mean, halfway making pancakes, so I didn’t get what the heck cutey-badactress-thing (Amber Heard) had to do with the story. Apparently the bad guy wanted to sacrifice a baby to become immortal or something, although he was kind of immortal. So “Ms-piece-of-meat-with-boobs” (Amber Heard) had no apparent reason to be there, other than eye-candy.

Amber Heard, you are hot, I’ll give you that…

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And, oh well, there is nothing more to say about you.

The end of the movie bores us to death with a “bad vs good”, “heavon or hell” gangbang-something-dialogue-b.s. and ends with Mutant Nicolas Sarkozy (Nickolas Càgeux) murdering henchmen while driving circles in a sound-stage, erhmm…. I mean satanic-props-scenario abortion of an aspiring set decorator’s wet dream. Of course the main-bitch needs an epic kill and so, although main-bad-guy-bitch-thing tries to become immortal (thus we can assume he is not immortal), he can only be killed with an “immortal-killing-gun”, (damn what an original concept). L, O f*ing L, no wait, this atrocity of a movie doesn’t even deserve a LOL.

The movie is almost done (finally). Insert one-liners from bad-one-liners-generator.com [site made up for comedy purpose, dah!] and sprinkle the whole with post-converted 3D pixelated parts of humans, cars and blood et voilà you J’HAVE yourself the movie of the f*ing year.

VERDICT

Jokes aside.

1 / 10

Drive Angry deserves nothing higher than your middle finger. The only good thing I can say about this movie is that, perhaps I was just not in the mood to get into the humor of Drive Angry; but to my defense I am just not down-syndromed-douchebag enough to have enjoyed it. So if you liked Pain and Gain from Alfred Hitchcock’s spiritual son Micheal Bay maybe then Drive Angry will tickle your empty brain cavity. S:

I think the movie could have been better if it either be: A. Funnier. Nothing in the movie, not even unintentional “funny” moments made me laugh. B. Supernatural-er. Go supernatural and clearly so, accept the fact that the movie is fantasy trash and avoid being obnoxious. C. Serious. Cloud the supernatural elements with a veil of mystery to give us a reason to actually fear for Nicolas Jaula. D. Compensation: Or, at least compensate us with the sight of director Patrick Lussier coming on screen, apologizing and subsequently blowing his brains out.

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2 Comments »

  1. Pssstttt….. Nic Cage is mainly here for middle aged old bats like me to enjoy looking at ;)

    Yep, that may be his only purpose in life these days, which kind of sucks for him and all the normal movie audiences.

    Sorry; not much consolation for the rest of the populace

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