If you had the misfortune of reading my original RANT about this movie. Well, I am sorry for that. In my defense, yes, this movie may have adverse effects on your mental health. So now, I decided to re-write the review without the racial slurs. The rest of the naughty rants will remain as it was :D

Nicolas Cage has been replaced by a crazed talentless alien years ago, we know, but I thought Drive Angry was his return to sanity, so I watched it. And Oh my Goodness! I am pissed off as hell right now, I am so angry I could go driving to McDonalds or something even though I am emotionally unstable, but I don’t care, ’cause I’m hardcore like that. … So, all images are belong to Patrick Lucifer, erhmm… I mean Patrick Lussier (director) and Satan, erhmmm… I mean Summit Entertainment (distributor). So turn off your brains and get ready for the coolest, fastest shit-iest 3D-extravaganza of the year!

And in view of the topic review I’ll go ANGRY rant to make every cheetos covered, beer slurping youtube reviewer proud. SO I SUGGEST If yOU DISLIKE bad words AND BAD MOVIES, avoid this post and the f*ing movie altogether.

Mr. Towelhead RANTS about:



So dear weird-movie-goers I gotta be honest with you. I wasn’t paying the adequate attention this abortion of film material deserves. While drunk, high and watching por… erhmmm… I mean reading the news, I believe to have given Drive Angry much more attention than it deserved.

The thingy came out in 2011 produced by Millennium Films, Nu Image, Satan Films, ups, I mean Saturn Films (studios) and released by Summit Entertainment (distributor). It was directed by Satan himself and written by Todd Farmer. And for tha’ record, I hold no grudge against Mr. Farmer (writer) as he did what he usually does, slasher film scripts. I blame the lifeless, decaying corpse on screen (Nicolas Cage) and Patrick Lussier (director) for everything that went wrong with this Oscar worthy abomination.

This kebab on menstrual-cycle -auce of a film is a supernatural, gorefest, action softporn flick that also has something to do with “cool” cars, which explains the idiotic car chases that make absolutely no f*ing sense.


Because I was on my period I didn’t see the beginning, so I don’t know if they explained why Johnny Cage here (Nicalas Cage) is who he is (or what the f* he is supposed to be in the first place), but, throughout the whole experience you get the feeling they wanted to keep his “secret” a secret, yet at the same time they unmistakably revealed that *spoiler warning* Bald mid-life-crisis’ed Wolverine (a.k.a. Nicolas Cage) is immortal… and brain dead.

Oh wait but maybe Billy Burke may save the movie…


… well no. He’s so desperate trying to act the bad villain-role that he comes across like a Pussy.

Idiocy spreads out of the director’s mind, into the movie production like cancer. Despite Snake-Eyes McMuffin (Nicolas Cage)’s supernatural abilities the “plot” tries to tickle a sense of danger and urgency with: “epic” music score, dramatic-camera-angles, Nicolas Cage trying to act dead but failing to hold his breath for even two seconds and bad-actor-extras vomiting dialogues like: “Oh no! I thought you were dead!”, or “Oh no! I saw you die?”. So, why even bother hiding his “secret”?


You can’t possibly take anything serious in a movie that features people skateboarding cars or henchmen being face-impalled by knifes pushed into their skulls by the impact of a bullet. You get the uncomfortable feeling that the movie is trying too hard to be funny but it comes out embarrassingly unpleasant.

Poor William Fichtner, I mean the dude had his good share of making this movie horrid…


… But just like everyone else in this project, they are all victims of a BAD director, namely…


Yes Patrick Lussier, you should be ashamed!


Pearl-White Nick Fury here (Nicolas Cage) indiscriminately murders everything living in a 10 meter radius around him while driving or f*ing… but is unable to whack the bad the guy. And bare in mind, dear readers we are talking about the dude he’s been chasing all along, the bad mother f*er who “just” happened to murder his daughter and made him the bad actor he is. I mean, Ghost Rida’ with a Nicolas Cage mask has the antagonist face to face, while holding a gun, being immortal, BUT oh no, he just doesn’t shoot him!? WHY!! Well, I guess Nicky Minaj (I mean Nicolas Cage) was omniscient and realized the scripted demanded another 30 minutes of overpriced 3D-cinema-ticket-price-b.s.

Buck Angel here (Nicolas Cage) doesn’t kill the baddy at the middle of the movie…


… so we can be tortured for like 30 more minutes of movie catastrophe time.

Hillarity ensues when Robocage (Nicolas Cage) goes back inside a “cool” car to chase the bad guy and the production designer is told to go crazy with Adobe After Effects and CGI-ed car parts fly towards camera to, once again, “compensate” for ridiculous movies-in-3D ticket prices. Meow.

What else, well, as you know I was mid flaps, … I mean, halfway making pancakes, so I didn’t get what the heck cutey-badactress-thing (Amber Heard) had to do with the story. Apparently the bad guy wanted to sacrifice a baby to become immortal or something, although he was kind of immortal. So “Ms-piece-of-meat-with-boobs” (Amber Heard) had no apparent reason to be there, other than eye-candy.

Amber Heard, you are hot, I’ll give you that…


And, oh well, there is nothing more to say about you.

The end of the movie bores us to death with a “bad vs good”, “heavon or hell” gangbang-something-dialogue-b.s. and ends with Mutant Nicolas Sarkozy (Nickolas Càgeux) murdering henchmen while driving circles in a sound-stage, erhmm…. I mean satanic-props-scenario abortion of an aspiring set decorator’s wet dream. Of course the main-bitch needs an epic kill and so, although main-bad-guy-bitch-thing tries to become immortal (thus we can assume he is not immortal), he can only be killed with an “immortal-killing-gun”, (damn what an original concept). L, O f*ing L, no wait, this atrocity of a movie doesn’t even deserve a LOL.

The movie is almost done (finally). Insert one-liners from bad-one-liners-generator.com [site made up for comedy purpose, dah!] and sprinkle the whole with post-converted 3D pixelated parts of humans, cars and blood et voilà you J’HAVE yourself the movie of the f*ing year.


Jokes aside.

1 / 10

Drive Angry deserves nothing higher than your middle finger. The only good thing I can say about this movie is that, perhaps I was just not in the mood to get into the humor of Drive Angry; but to my defense I am just not down-syndromed-douchebag enough to have enjoyed it. So if you liked Pain and Gain from Alfred Hitchcock’s spiritual son Micheal Bay maybe then Drive Angry will tickle your empty brain cavity. S:

I think the movie could have been better if it either be: A. Funnier. Nothing in the movie, not even unintentional “funny” moments made me laugh. B. Supernatural-er. Go supernatural and clearly so, accept the fact that the movie is fantasy trash and avoid being obnoxious. C. Serious. Cloud the supernatural elements with a veil of mystery to give us a reason to actually fear for Nicolas Jaula. D. Compensation: Or, at least compensate us with the sight of director Patrick Lussier coming on screen, apologizing and subsequently blowing his brains out.


  1. Pssstttt….. Nic Cage is mainly here for middle aged old bats like me to enjoy looking at ;)

    Yep, that may be his only purpose in life these days, which kind of sucks for him and all the normal movie audiences.

    Sorry; not much consolation for the rest of the populace

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